Winter can be a time of introspection as longer nights and shorter days invite us to slow down, go inward, and reflect on the past year(s).

It might also be a time when old wounds start hurting and remind you of all the things you, perhaps, f***ed up in life, either by doing or not doing something, saying or not saying something, or making this or that decision.

Recently, someone on Notes asked something like, “Does anyone have any tips on dealing with regret?” And a voice inside me whispered, “I do. I have plenty.”

I wrote a long-ass note. Not because I wanted to write a full lecture but because this topic stirred something in me and caused all these words to just flow. Immediately afterwards, I went to my dashboard, opened a new draft, and started writing this post.

As someone who used to write a lot but then quit writing for several years1, I am no stranger to regret. I’ve had to work hard to get myself back into the ease and joy of writing and other creative projects.

The same goes for not beating myself up over any of my past decisions.

It’s easy to succumb to bitterness and regret, especially when it’s oh-so-familiar. But with just a little discomfort endurance and devotion, it can be equally easy to restore trust in yourself.

Getting curious

Two ingredients can work wonders when dealing with regret. That is, if you are open to exploring them2.

They are self-compassion and return to the present moment.

I know, I know. When you are beating yourself up, the idea of self-compassion can seem revolting. So don’t need to think of it as “self-compassion”.

Let’s just get curious about how you’re feeling and see where that takes us.

Journaling prompts

The following are a few questions meant to guide you through the exploration of how you are feeling. You can use them to journal, talk it over with a friend, or just read them and do something else.

Sometimes, allowing our subconsciousness to mull over the questions without forcing ourselves to get the answer right away (and get it “correctly”) is far better than the alternative. It’s a way to tap into our intuitive wisdom and trust it.

Let’s dive in:

• Think about this decision, act, or situation. What did you do (or not do)?
• What led you to do (or not do) what you did (or didn’t do)?
• What was your motivation at the time?
• If you had to make a difficult decision, what were the different emotional risks and factors involved in each option? Why did the past you decide the way they did?
• Can you see how it makes perfect sense that this person did (or did not do) that? Can you see they were struggling with certain things and that actually, the way they decided makes perfect sense for them?
• What do you know or believe now that makes you regret that decision in the past?
• Can you see that you regret it today because now, you have more insight and wisdom about it? Is it possible you are being very harsh on the younger you who didn’t really know what you know now, didn’t have the experiences you have now, or didn’t trust themselves enough at the time?
• What would it look like if you were 1% more compassionate towards that younger you?

Two additional questions if you’re up for them:

• List a couple of things that could go badly if you chose differently. Is it possible that if you did something differently, things would have gone so much worse in ways you can’t even imagine right now?
• Can you see at least one good thing that did come out of this decision to do or not do something?

Returning to the present moment:

Hopefully, extending your past self some compassion wasn’t too tortuous.

Now it’s time to return to the present moment and take responsibility for your next steps.

• How are you currently feeling in your body? Focus on sensations without giving them meanings. Allow them to just be.
• What is around you? What are you touching, what is touching you, what can you see, hear, feel, smell, taste?
• Where are you now, literally, physically? Where are you sitting, laying, standing? Describe yourself in your environment like a movie scene, as objectively as possible. What does the space around you look like? What do you look like (your posture, hair, face, body, etc)?
• Notice how you are feeling now.

Let’s return to that thing you have felt regret about and see if we can approach it from the awareness of being here and now:

• Is there anything you can do now regarding the situation? It might be big, like apologizing or reaching out, or it might just be allowing yourself to process how you feel about it and giving yourself time to come to terms with it.
• Is there anything you can do now that might go in the direction of what you regret not doing before? Alternatively, is there anything you can do to change what you did do before?
• Imagine yourself two years from now. What would that person advise you to do now? In other words, with the experience and insight you have now, how can you move from here so as not to have even bigger regrets later on?

Hopefully, these questions can support you in processing any feelings of regret that might come up for you. Return to them any time.

The main point of these prompts is to help you see and experience for yourself how beating yourself up in this moment is not really helpful, although a part of you probably believes it is.

Let them be a gentle nudge towards accepting your past and embracing the power you have in this moment to decide where you go from here.

I am rooting for you.

Until next time,

Katja

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